Cupcakes for Cuttles
Pregnant Lady: I’m gonna make cupcakes tonight.
Me: Oh, yeah? For what?
Pregnant Lady: For my mouth. Is that a good enough answer for you?
Me (absorbing howls of laughter): That’s going on my website. Your name’s going to be “Pregnant Lady.”
Meet Mr. Usability
The scene opens as Mr. Usability sits and watches TV on a quiet Sunday afternoon. Enter Wife holding a red and white envelope strewn with the familiar Netflix logo. The paper appears tattered and worn, with a tear that almost splits the envelope in half.
Wife: You really did a number on this envelope. [...]
The Bonding Qualities Of Using a Household Heating Device as a Urinal: A Letter
Hey Cole,
You know, there are certain days, and I’ll just take this past Valentine’s Day as my not-so-everyday example, when the most romantic thing your mother and I might say to each other is, “Hey, does it smell like poop in here?”
But the other day you beat us to the punch line.
When your mother insisted [...]
Transcendental Orchestra
An actual conversation in the car.
Liz: Your parents are going to see the, uh… Yngwie Malmsteen… Alaskan Orchestra.
Me: They’re called the, uh… Siberian… Huskie… um, Train Wreck
Liz: Sure.
Both: (Uncontrollable laughter.)
Me: I have to remember that for my blog.
Proof of Marital Bliss
An actual conversation after a recent get together with friends:
Me: I think we need to get together with Brian more often or something. I was talking to him and he had no idea I was a figure drawing major in college.
Liz: You were a figure drawing major in college?
Happy Anniversary, sweety.
