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Cupcakes for Cuttles

Pregnant Lady: I’m gonna make cupcakes tonight. Me: Oh, yeah? For what? Pregnant Lady: For my mouth. Is that a good enough answer for you? Me (absorbing howls of laughter): That’s going on my website. Your name’s going to be “Pregnant Lady.”

Meet Mr. Usability

The scene opens as Mr. Usability sits and watches TV on a quiet Sunday afternoon. Enter Wife holding a red and white envelope strewn with the familiar Netflix logo. The paper appears tattered and worn, with a tear that almost splits the envelope in half. Wife: You really did a number on this envelope. That’s […]

The Bonding Qualities Of Using a Household Heating Device as a Urinal: A Letter

Hey Cole, You know, there are certain days, and I’ll just take this past Valentine’s Day as my not-so-everyday example, when the most romantic thing your mother and I might say to each other is, “Hey, does it smell like poop in here?” But the other day you beat us to the punch line. When […]

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Comments Off on Transcendental Orchestra

Transcendental Orchestra

An actual conversation in the car. Liz: Your parents are going to see the, uh… Yngwie Malmsteen… Alaskan Orchestra. Me: They’re called the, uh… Siberian… Huskie… um, Train Wreck Liz: Sure. Both: (Uncontrollable laughter.) Me: I have to remember that for my blog.

Proof of Marital Bliss

An actual conversation after a recent get together with friends: Me: I think we need to get together with Brian more often or something. I was talking to him and he had no idea I was a figure drawing major in college. Liz: You were a figure drawing major in college? Happy Anniversary, sweety. 😉

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